Last Thursday, God visited UMW to remind us that all pro-choicers, gays, and porno fans are going to hell.
No, wait. It wasn’t God; it was just the Life and Liberty Ministries, a group of people who somehow collectively believe themselves to be God.
The ministry came to campus wielding giant, grotesque posters of aborted fetuses in an attempt to convince students that abortion is murder. They weren’t exactly the kind of baby pictures you coo over.
Members of Life and Liberty also carried Santa Claus-esque lists of all the people who are headed for that eternal bonfire downstairs, including “fornicators, adulterers, homosexuals, drunkards, and thieves.” You better watch out…Scary Christians are coming to town.
These people were so convinced of their place and right to judge that I got the eerie feeling they were half expecting some muscle-bound, caped version of God to swoop down and proclaim “With your powers combined, I am Captain God!”
According to Denny Green, a pro-life missionary and the founder of Life and Liberty, the group is a Christian pro-life evangelistic ministry that preaches gospel on streets. There goes my Captain Planet team theory. The Powhatan-based group visited UMW for the first time as part of their Va. Campus Tour.
Life and Liberty was not without opposition. In fact, it seemed as though more students were protesting the protest, rather than joining in. Several students carried signs featuring slogans like “Keep your hands off my ovaries,” and “Apparently religion=hate.” A more vivid poster with a wire hanger attached to it read, “This will be our future. Do you want that? Make abortion safe.”
But most of the retaliation looked more like a straight man’s fantasy than anything else, complete with defiant girls making out and bra-clad undergrads. Apparently Life and Liberty members were unaware of the proximity rule that states if you’re within 10 feet of gay people or half-naked women, you will be sucked into the fiery pit of hell along with them, because the unwavering missionaries stood their ground.
As if all this nudity and nonsense weren’t entertaining enough, there was a crusty old man playing the guitar and singing such classics as “It’s a Baby, Not a Blob.” “Fetus is Latin for baby,” he crooned. And here I thought fetus was Latin for “almost a baby, but not quite.” It took me 20 minutes to figure out whether or not this guy was kidding, but apparently he was not. And he has the YouTube video to prove it.
Either way, I’m sure Ball Circle has never seen such sophisticated, inspirational lyrics. In fact, it’s a wonder everyone didn’t run off to start “fornicating” and giving birth just for the sake of not having an abortion.
Crusty Guitar Man also belted out a couple catchy ditties about “saying no to porno” and the “unnaturalness” of homosexuality, just to make sure no one was left out.
While Life and Liberty legally had the right to protest abortion, there has to be a better way to get people’s attention than damning 95% of the campus to hell and displaying disturbing and offensive pictures. Even my thoroughly liberal self believes pro-lifers have some valid arguments.
It’s just hard to remember that when they’re being represented by a man who is literally on a pedestal singing, “It’s a baby, not a molecular glob.”