TIM ST. ONGE
1. “Wrong Turn” (2003)
“Wrong Turn” is a by-the-book horror flick that tells the story of six young, unsurprisingly attractive city slickers whose road trips converge when one of them takes a wrong turn down a rural country road while driving to a job interview and crashes into a car filled with the other five dimwits, who are on a camping trip. It turns out that the crash was the result of sabotage perpetrated by deformed, cannibalistic, inbred hillbillies, in West Virginia no less, who proceed to hunt down the bumbling crew. What follows is a ludicrous, campy romp through the woods.
2. “Cabin Fever” (2003)
Similar to “Wrong Turn,” “Cabin Fever” involves a group of college grads in a country cabin in the woods where their outing consists largely of promiscuous sex and drunken misadventures; that is, until a contaminated water source leaves the group fleeing a flesh-eating virus and eventually turning on each other to keep themselves alive. Amid the stupid character decisions and predictable plot is the random “pancake” scene that will leave you scratching your head and bent over in hysterics.
3. “Stepfather 2” (1989)
This sequel to the more respected “The Stepfather” marks the return of the name-changing madman who goes from family to family marrying widows in hopes of having a perfect life in a perfect family. But as soon as his family turns out to be not so perfect, he resorts to violence. In his return, he becomes engaged to an extremely gullible widow who neglects to dig much into her fiancé’s background or history. The complete ineptitude of the cast and the over-the-top finale make this thriller a must see.
4. “Hider in the House” (1989)
This more obscure movie concerns the deranged Tom Sykes, the character played by none other than the oafish Gary Busey. His rough childhood instills in him a psychopathic, utterly ridiculous mission: to secretly live in the attic of a family’s new home. In his lair behind a fake wall, Gary Busey (I mean, Tom) spies on the family’s personal troubles and eventually tries to romance the wife and mother of the household to create the wholesome family that he never had. The audience will be in fits of laughter rather than the grip of fear as Tom sneaks his way into the naïve family’s lives.
5. “Manos: The Hands of Fate” (1966)
Viewer beware: this movie is regarded as one of the worst ever made. This infamous designation stems from the fact that it was directed by a fertilizer salesman from El Paso! With that in mind, it may come as no surprise that this low budget “horror” about a pagan cult is full of editing mistakes, horrendous “acting,” blatantly contradicting lines, and giant plot holes. If you and your friends are willing to take on this calamity, might I suggest watching Mystery Science Theater 3000’s take on the film, as you may need some help in lampooning all the senselessness that “Manos” has in store.