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The Blue & Gray Press | February 20, 2018

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Sexclamations

By KJ Adler

Welcome back UMW-ers to another fun-filled semester of sex-themed stories of intrigue and suspense. With the summer days shortening and my departure for a different country quickly approaching, I can safely admit to all of you without having to face repercussions until December that I, Kevin Janice Adler, have a horrible addiction, one that I am not proud to admit.
It began this summer when I was living on Wolfe Street and taking summer classes. After one particularly grueling day of learning how to write memoirs and finding phallic symbols in the Arthurian tales, I came home to a lounging roommate staring at the idiot box with her mouth hanging open. I sat beside her, relieved to put my brain on hold for a short while before having to go out and buy groceries.
There on TLC, to my amazement and horror, was a show about a family of eight kids, twins and sextuplets, and two angry and neurotic parents having to take care of them. Being an only child I have never been exposed to unfiltered chaos 24/7 but this family lives in it.
After that first time I couldn’t tear away. Every time this “Jon & Kate Plus 8” came on, I found myself sitting down and watching with pure fascination as the family would struggle to have breakfast or go to a Fourth of July parade or go to bed. And in between each misadventure the show focuses on the mother and father sitting on a couch, reflecting on what had happened and what their thought process was.
In every episode there is at least a five minute segment where the cameras focus on the kids screaming their little heads off and telling on each other to their mommy and daddy. It makes me so happy that I am not a parent.
But by far my favorite segment is in the show’s introduction where the voiceover of Jon and Kate explained that they could not naturally conceive and ended up with twin girls. After their miracle, the couple decides to try for one more. Instead the intro cuts to a shot of Kate’s overextended belly holding six babies in it.
You know that joke about fat people? His belly comes through the door and then five minutes later he’ll show up? This was one of those bellies.
If you’ve read my articles before you already know my general feeling about pregnancy and births: eeeeew. So to pop out six little screaming newborns is a nightmare and a half for me.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am all for helping couples with reproductive problems and such, but these super families are ridiculous. Man is not supposed to have litters. Our bodies can’t handle it. Kate was bedridden for three months of the pregnancy because her stomach was just too much.
So how do these multiple births happen? When the doctor artificially inseminates a woman’s eggs he will fertilize and insert as many as possible into the poor lady because more often than not most of the eggs will not survive in the woman. If, however, you have crazy strong eggs like Kate’s were then you end up with a day-time show that bored college kids like myself get addicted to. And I have to say I am so grateful that I am not them.
So what is my conclusion? Boo on unnatural births? Not so much. Yay medical induced miracles?
Nah. I guess the main message of this article is that sex can cause a baby, tubes can cause many babies, and tying your tubes gets rid of the whole predicament. Just say no to artificial insemination unless it is your last option because once you go for that option results may vary from a mild headache to near bankruptcy, a shaky marriage and six new mouths to feed.