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The Blue & Gray Press | November 18, 2017

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Top 5 Ways to Get An Excuse to Cut Class

LANDON JAMES

Finally, a top five that is completely applicable and completely true!  In the few golden words you are about to read I will teach you tactics that will get you through your college career.
What is the one difference between high school and college? You can control whether you go to class or not!  What better way to make yourself feel empowered than determining on your own that class just is not worth going to today? Nothing! But, at times, there are classes you just cannot skip and therein lies the trickery and mastery of effectively and safely evading a class. Here are the top five excuses  to skip class.

1. Death
Death always comes when you are least expecting it.  If you are willing to go through the potential guilt, claiming the death of a family member, close friend, or distant cousin is the best way to tug at your teacher’s heart strings and get that excused absence we are all shooting for. However, DO NOT make the mistake of telling your teacher that you are the one dying, unless you plan on missing every class from then until the end of the semester.
Effectiveness: 10/10

2. Ipecac
Ah! Ipecac is the golden juice that can make an actor out of any old joe. Ipecac, a well-known emetic which induces vomiting, usually to eliminate harmful poisons from the body, is another sure-fire ticket to skipping class with a boom.  However, unlike other tactics, Ipecac requires an in-class appearance and one that your fellow students and your professor will never forget.  To get out of a test, quiz, presentation, assignment, anything, chug some  Ipecac before gliding into class and just wait.  Within moments, the Ipecac will induce vomiting that will not only clean out your stomach, but will make it impossible for you to complete class.
For the student willing to risk it all for an Oscar-winning performance, take Ipecac and skip class in a way no one will ever forget.
Effectiveness: 10/10

3. Sickness or ailments
The classic trick to evading a class is the “I’m too sick to go to school today, Mommy” routine.  Simple and effective, faking an illness is easier than digesting a piece of cotton candy. Few can contest a personal account of vomiting till your  eyes bleed, fevers of 200 degrees , or stomach aches that feel like your insides are about to produce an alien hatchling.  Use this method and you are in the clear.
Effectiveness: 7/10

4. Family commitment
Family commitments are universally understood as completely outside of your control.  Families will do crazy things and no one can get angry at you if your parents volunteer you to babysit your twin sisters while they go to the movies, or watch the house while the rest of the family is at a business conference, or to play Jesus for a church pageant.  A family commitment is a sophisticated and methodically sound way to elude that dreaded textbook.
Effectiveness: 8/10

5. Oversleeping
Oversleeping is a very easy way to blame your absence on technical and mechanical failure.  It is not your fault that your alarm clock, when you had every intention of going, malfunctioned causing you to miss  a class you so desperately wanted to attend.
Oversleeping does not always have to be an excuse, it can easily be the truth! Set your alarm back an hour and snooze right through your 8  a.m. class.  Then, with pleading and crying, explain to the teacher that you overslept and your alarm failed to go off at the right time.
Knowing that you told the truth wil let you get through your day guilt-free.
There you have the most effective ways to evade, avoid, and elude class, but do not say I told you so!