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The Blue & Gray Press | October 20, 2017

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Top 5: Guilt-Free Cheating Tactics

By LANDON JAMES

As the leaves start to change and fall begins to take over, there’s usually only one thing on everyone’s mind…how can I cheat on my girlfriend and get away with it?  It’s an important, pressing topic, and without my guidance, I’m aware that many of you would be utterly lost.

1. Wait Until Midnight
Deciding which time of day you would like to start your affair is very important.  The morning just doesn’t work, the afternoon is risking it, but come nightfall, let the infidelity begin!  If you find that special someone you’d like to cheat with at the party, do not make a move until after midnight.  This is very important, because anything done before that magic hour will land you a slap in the face and a new relationship status update on Facebook.  So, don’t forget to wear your watch when you’re ready to get your boogie on.

2. Make “Friends” With the Neighbors
Something that we really lack today as a society is being friendly with each other.  What happened to bringing cookies to your next-door neighbor or suitemates? Where have all our manners gone?  Well, if you’re looking for some extra spice in your life, cook up a batch of cookies with a big side dish of You.  If anything happens to happen between You and your neighbor don’t fret.  Under the cheating guidelines, hooking up with a neighbor or suitemate is merely considered “being neighborly.” No self-respecting girlfriend/boyfriend could get mad at you for being neighborly.

3. Keep it in the Family
Before you get ahead of yourself, by no means am I advocating incestuous bonding.  On the other hand, people related to your significant other are completely fair game; after all, you’re not related to them.  Meeting the parents or attending birthdays, family reunions and funerals are all great opportunities to meet the most important people in your beau’s family. It is up to your discretion which family member you choose to conquer, but if anyone asks just explain that it’s a skeleton in the family closet.  Once that is established, no one can question your fidelity, and after the funeral is over, you can safely and happily return home with your better half.

4. Do it in Public
If you are one of the many college students with absolutely no shame, then this is perfect for you.  Instead of trying to creep in the shadows and duck behind buildings while trying to spread, go public!  Any adulterous acts committed in public places absolutely do not count.  This includes fountains, dining halls, campus walk, in class and even in the gym.  If your girlfriend/boyfriend has the chance of seeing you by accident then they should know better.  If you’re out in public then everything you do is free game.  If your significant other objects, merely explain that you could have done it in private without the public watching, but that just isn’t right.  Always be on the lookout for a good public place to bring your love crush.

5. Get Drunk
This is the perfect excuse to tell your soul mate when they find you snuggled up in bed with a stranger the morning after the party.  If you simply explain that the other person was drunk, your mate will understand completely.  It’s a universal concept that if two drunk people hook up then no third parties can get angry. It’s a no-brainer, so if you got your eye on someone don’t make a move until you both can’t remember each other’s names.

[Editors note:  Landon James does not have a girlfriend.]