Homecoming last year was the definition of Nightmare Town U.S.A.
What began around noon with my roommate and I opening a case of Natty Ice to watch the Rachel Zoe Project, escalated into full-blown panic mode within an hour.
I’ll spare you the more incriminating details, but know that knives were thrown, bottles were smashed, and I still have yet to attend a UMW athletic event.
This year will be different. We’re older, wiser and have experience on our side.
With so many day-drinking events always on the horizon, I feel like it’s my duty to pass on my extensive knowledge of the subject, based mostly on trial-and-error over the past three years.
Day drinking isn’t something they prepare you for before sending you off to college. For some of you, it’s probably not even registered that being drunk for upwards of 15 hours is a thing people do.
You get here in August, all bright eyed and desperate for acceptance, willing to tell anyone who will listen that you call it Beirut, not Beer Pong, and that you totally “get” Sufjan Stevens. A couple of weeks pass and you’ve made some upperclassmen friends.
One morning in mid-October, you check your Facebook and sitting there, among the request to join the UMW Pre-Law Society and the suggestion to become a fan of Clareece “Precious” Jones, is one of the most revered event invitations you will receive during your college career: Homecoming Kegs and Eggs.
Of course you attend, but you approach it like any other party. By 3 p.m., no one cares what you call the game (it’s Beer Pong, asshole) because you’re vomiting all over the kitchen and, no, bringing the host bagels the following morning is not an acceptable apology.
This could have been avoided.
The biggest rookie mistake one can make when starting a day of drinking is going too big, too early. If you are blacked out before the sunsets, you are probably a disaster.
Drink enough in the beginning to get a solid buzz, then, at least for a few hours, only drink to sustain that buzz. Endurance is key in moments like these.
You want to be able to go all day and night, but drinking too much, too early is the quickest way to make sure that doesn’t happen.
You do want to make sure you drink enough to stay drunk, though. There’s nothing worse than having to call it a night because you have a soul-crushing hangover at 5 p.m.
The next tips I have fall into the “motherly advice/nagging” category, but they’re still totally worth noting because I’d hate for someone to die, or fail out of school or something.
First, if there’s any homework you have to do, you should probably get it done in advance. You’re not going to want to move the next day, let alone write that poli-sci paper. Also, don’t be stupid: make sure you drink plenty of water and eat throughout the day.
I do not, however, recommend that you try to cook during your day-drinking extravaganza.
For some reason people get kind of pissed when you and your bestie lock yourselves in the kitchen to prepare a feast, but only succeed in getting habanera pepper in your eye and blood in their Mexican pizzas. We all make mistakes, though.
This probably sounds like common knowledge, because for the most part, it is. However, when times get tough, it’s the basic life skills that we seem to forget.
Day drinking isn’t just for college kids at homecoming either. After graduation we’re all expected to behave like fully functioning members of society, but when adult events like brunch, street festivals, baseball games and snowstorms all actively encourage being able to drink for long periods of time while the sun’s out, it’s important to be able to do so without looking like a fool.
College is the ideal place to perfect these skills. We’re practically expected to be stumbling through the streets, pissing ourselves, and passing out in front yards.
Take advantage of people’s low expectations of you now, and become a pro day-drinker before your embarrass yourself at your first company barbecue.
Oh, and if you’re under 21, I’m totally talking about drinking non-alcoholic beverages.
Obviously. In no way do I, or the Bullet, condone underage drinking or any other illegal activities.
For everyone else, please day drink responsibly.