Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar 20
It’s okay you threw up in the kitchen sink at that one party. Barely anyone remembers.
Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19
Never apologize. You’re not here to make friends.
Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20
Your new look is serving you well. Consider altering your personality to match.
Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20
It’s only regrettable if you remember doing it.
Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22
Relationships are like jobs: don’t leave one without having another lined up.
Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 22
Don’t be that guy.
Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22
Be more organized. Avoid scheduling dates with multiple partners on the same day to prevent a potentially embarrassing situation.
Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22
It’s time to prioritize your life. The less money you spend on food, the more you’ll have for alcohol.
Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21
When life gets you down, remember: life isn’t for everyone. Take control of your destiny.
Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21
Don’t spit at a challenge; swallow your pride and take one for the team.
Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19
Dance like no one’s watching, but remember: they are.
Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18
Food will never taste as good as thin feels. Put that cupcake down.