Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar 20
Don’t let your partners look through your phone. You’re just asking to get caught.
Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19
Sometimes the best course of action is no action. You should be used to that by now.
Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20
It’s not me; it’s you.
Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20
Dreams do come true if you buy the right alcohol. Then again, hangovers do too.
Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22
Fake it until you make it. Then ask for a refund.
Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 22
If money’s tight, you should start exploring more unique ways of earning some cash. Keep a tip jar on the nightstand and see what happens.
Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22
When life gets you down, remember: It’s all downhill from here.
Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22
You’ve probably noticed that people are keeping their distance from you lately. Have you considered a shower?
Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21
When things are darkest and seem like there’s no hope left, this advice will always bail you out: Show some skin.
Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21
Don’t take “results may vary” as a warning. Take it as a challenge.
Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19
This week, make an effort to be classy. You’ve had one too many “Walk of Shames” recently.
Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18
The absence of a “no” doesn’t mean yes, but it doesn’t mean no either. Be persistent.