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The Blue & Gray Press | February 24, 2018

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Top 5 Places to Get It On at UMW

Top 5 Places to Get It On at UMW

By LANDON JAMES

As spring so teasingly begins to rear its head, UMW students have one thing on their minds…sex.

As the campus slowly starts to blossom and bloom, the scents of passion begin to permeate the air above campus. And what better way to welcome the new warm weather than some wholesome exercise?

On a campus full of secret passageways, underground tunnels, and more nooks and crannies than you can shake a stick at, it’s important to know where the places on campus to get your Marvin Gaye on.

Alas, fear no more, for I am here to guide you through the top five places on campus to fornicate. And no, you don’t have to thank me.

1. Amphitheatre

Take your lover on a trip back through time and surround yourself in the luxurious, spacious Amphitheatre!

Just imagine yourself in the sweet Mediterranean, lounging on a nude beach with you and your exotic mate, not a care in the world but love.

In addition to a wide terrace, larger than any bed on the market, there’s always the possibility of dinner and a show. On occasion, strapping young army personnel enjoy rabble-rousing a little in the Grecian ruins. But don’t worry, they won’t disturb you; they’re only interested on seeing who can pull a column down the fastest.

Nothing like a little danger to get the juices flowing. Hoo-rah.

2. Trinkle Sound Rooms

There is more to Trinkle than meets the one-eyed monster. Not only is it the place to be for classics, religion and philosophy, but it’s also a prime location for a little sexual misconduct.

In one of the rooms on the top floor––you’ll have to do some reconnaissance to find out which––there’s a sound room overlooking theatre-style seating.

To most, it’s simply a sound room, but to the sexually deprived and/or addicted, this is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Not only will you be in an elevated position of sexual prowess and power, but the room is soundproof. What could be better? Now you can do the nasty and not miss lecture at the same time!

Who knows? The amount of philosophical thought in the air could even lead to a sexually enlightening experience.

3. Simpson Library

Of all the places on campus to find some cozy privacy, the Simpson Library no doubt takes the cake. The sexy cake.

Since talking is discouraged anyway, just get down to business. There are plenty of nooks and crannies, but the tree houses on the third floor are the crème de la crème for that elevated sexual experience.

And from within the glassed-in study rooms, you can be the king and/or queen of the library and can do as you please.  Assert your dominance and stake your claim.

If you happen to be a squealer, grab a big slice of sausage pizza from the Eagle’s Nest to keep the moaning to a minimum.

Now you know what really goes on in the third floor.

4.  Eagle Landing Rotunda

Now’s the time to get the most out of your hard-earned tuition dollars.

Just grab your main squeeze, a bottle of Jameson, and cozy up next to the warm fire in the Eagle Landing Rotunda. Not only do you have a killer view of Route 1, you have copious amounts of university furniture to fornicate on, crafted with the most care a convict could offer.

Plus, contrary to popular belief, the Eagle Landing Rotunda is actually the official UMW temple for Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love. So send up a burning offering of sexual passion to the goddess that started it all.

Worst case scenario: an RA discovers your sexual orgy and asks to join.

Best case scenario: Aphrodite herself graces you with her presence and blesses you with the condom that never breaks and instantly triggers infinitesimal orgasms every time you scream “Landon!”

If you thought you knew what an orgasm felt like before, you were severely mistaken. So hurry over to Eagle Landing, make your sexual offering, and discover the mysterious pleasure to be had in the word “Landon.”

5. Hurley’s Desk

Ah, this is where all the business really gets done. Just swipe those papers off the desk, hike up that skirt, and play the best damn skin flute you can.

While doing the dirty, you might as well take some time and go over a few legal documents. Feel free to make changes where necessary, because a little white out never hurt nobody. After all, students are supposed to be a part of our University’s decision process right?

It is your collegiate duty to leave your mark on campus and why not do it on some documents that’ll forever shape the future of our school?

As long as Hurley doesn’t decide to revisit those crazy disco days and install black lights in the workroom you’re in the clear.

So work on crossing those T’s and dotting those I’s and see just how influential the student body can be.

Now that you have some direction, go out and make the most of these wonderful passion pits so graciously placed around our campus.

But remember, fornicating in public can be a crime, so make sure whoever you’re doing the dirty with ain’t no chump. After all, the men in prison are a lot more sexually deprived than you.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Dear Landon,

    I love you. Please write more like this.

    Love,
    Anonymous

  2. John

    Is this for real???

  3. Anon Chick

    Because haters gon’ hate, I would like to pre-empt their outrage with a little reminder:

    Landon wrote a humorous article. I laughed. So did other people. With all the negative things that get reported in the news everyday, it’s nice to have someone inject a little humor into the paper. Laughter is healthy.

    I mean, come on – “student body”… that’s just clever. Wordplay FTW.

  4. Oh, it’s very real, John.

  5. Anonymous

    This is appalling. This type of article makes me ashamed to go to Mary Washington. How could our school think that it is okay to publish a piece of trash like this? Sure, it’s funny, but insanely inappropriate. The author references the sexually addicted and that is not something to joke about. It is a psychological condition that can lead to rape and other forms of sexual assault. Please quit publishing such trash. It’s embarrassing. And for Taylor Anderson’ family– the article about her death is next to “5 Place to Get It On at UMW” and that’s the worst part. Respect her and the students here please.

  6. I don’t really get how this article is disrespecting Taylor Anderson’s family. Mind elaborating?

  7. John

    It was funny until Hurley’s desk was involved…then it became disrespectful.

  8. Dan and Matt

    A great article!! It was funny if you are offended lighten up, clearly this was a joke and a good one at that. I read this to my friends and they thought it was funny as well! Well played Landon

  9. John

    Where’s the line? Seriously?! Hurley’s Desk? I mean what’s next? His bed? His wife? You have to draw a line somewhere. This article honestly sounds like something you’d write while drunk with a bunch of drunk friends.

  10. David Gallagher

    Yes, a poor choice to ever mock a desk.

  11. John

    Don’t over simplify this. It’s not just a desk, because if it were, then you could easily say classroom desk.

    I don’t get how the Bullet can post something about justice and truth when writing an article about the UMW drug busts and going as far as posting the images of the kids, and then a few months later disgrace themselves with some joke about fornicating on the President’s desk. Why not take some pills while you’re at it? Where’s the line? It just seems as though you all want attention.

  12. Andrea

    I thought Hurley’s desk MADE it funny. It put it over the top, where a goofy piece like this should be.

  13. John

    LOL @ your last article and the Editor’s Note:

    [Editors note: Landon James does not have a girlfriend.]

  14. Another Anonymous

    I am far more ashamed at the fact that students find some way to be offended by this article than the article itself.

    This is a college newspaper, aimed at a college audience in a non-academic medium. It doesn’t need to be appropriate for anyone other than a casual college-age audience (who should be capable of combining the ideas of “sex” and “Hurley’s desk” without thinking that some sacrilege has been committed).

    Honestly one of the most clever articles I’ve read in the Bullet – Damn fine job, Landon!

  15. Mrs. D.

    Landon,

    This is such a cute and creative article! But I’m so glad you didn’t direct this toward the Stafford Campus Students! Remember we are all old enough to have gotten our Marvin Gaye on when he was alive! If we were to do the nasty up here, well…it would just be nasty. The only passion pits we have are from the prunes we have to eat. Sausage gives us acid reflex, AND there is a darn good reason we DO NOT have a music department, this is NO PLACE FOR FLUTISTS!

  16. Wilberto

    Ah, sometimes the Bullet goes a little too far, but I don’t think this is one of those times. Obviously the column was meant to be ridiculous – Landon doesn’t really expect anyone to do it on Hurley’s desk anymore than he does in the amphitheater or the library, which are just as inappropriate.

    It’s a joke. Chill out.

    I will add that “Mrs. D” ought to have her own column, because that comment is amazing. Absolutely amazing.

  17. Lee

    I really don’t see how this is disrespecting Taylor Anderson…since the two pieces were in DIFFERENT SECTIONS OF THE NEWSPAPER. I honesdtly don’t see hoe the Bullet is disgracing themselves…this is funny. Not serious.

  18. John

    If Landon didn’t mean anything he wrote about, then why write the article at all?

  19. Kyle Shearin

    It’s entertaining. Hence the section the article is located.

  20. John, Couldn’t that same argument be used to justify not doing your homework? I’m pretty sure that’s called a slippery slope logical fallacy. Good try though.

  21. Brad

    I think Hample’s desk would have been much better place to “get it on.” It’s like having sex in a mythical unicorn lair except there obviously wouldn’t be any unicorns around because they don’t use their desks, let alone show up for work.

  22. Bronzer

    I’m a little confused why there is a picture of an enthusiastic pirate to accompany this article…

  23. Anonymous

    And that is called a straw man argument.

  24. Anonymous

    John’s trolling hardcore. Don’t feed the trolls.

    Now, time to go to George Washington Hall….awwwww yea 😉

  25. Anonymous

    John, if the biggest concern in your life is this article then you need to reevaluate your priorities and realize that laughing and being able to joke about life is a necessary puzzle piece to not going insane…unfairly attacking Landon is just a means of taking out unnecessary aggression and malice on an innocent humorist while hinting at some serious repressed anger and emotions you are clearly harboring…lighten up and laugh before you start giving yourself wrinkles for goodness sake

  26. Anonymous

    John, if anything it seems like the only reason you continue to troll on this article is to gain attention yourself…how about you write your own letter to the editor and actually make your voice heard instead of senselessly attacking an article on a comments page where nothing but cynicism comes across. To take something like this personally is to not enjoy life in the way its meant to be…go get your Marvin Gaye on John and then comment

  27. umw grad

    “John’s trolling hardcore. Don’t feed the trolls.”

    whoever you are..i love you.

  28. My faith in humanity is restored after reading the comments on this article. You guys are great.

  29. Gregg

    Gold Landon, Gold.

  30. Ben

    Dave Grohl clearly knows how to have a good time at UMW. Good for him.

  31. Suzie

    If youre going to try to be funny, it has to be well written. This and the blaming women article were horribly written. Your editors should have known that. The only reason the Bullet is losing credibility is because of the quality of the writing, people have been publishing ‘edgy’ humor forever, youre just not doing it well enough.

  32. Anonymous

    To Tom,
    I love you.

    To Suzie,
    What the hell are you talking about??? If you have a problem with the writing, how about you try it out? However, I can tell from your grammar that you just wouldn’t “do it well enough.”

    I half expected you to spell that as “enuff.”

  33. Anonymous

    And I love you too, umw grad.

  34. Get some trim wherever you can! The degree isn’t worth all that much, so be sure to make your memories priceless. Good article Landon, even though it is just totally immature and dirty

  35. umw grad

    thanks anonymous..where’s the like button when we need it..? 🙂

  36. Lauren

    I’m one of those feminists who got mad about the oogling article, and I think that this…is absolutely hilarious.

  37. Anonymous

    The feminists got rid of that like button after too many UMW students agreed with the ogling article. Lo siento 🙁

  38. Original Snark

    Now, Landon can officially graduate as the humor columnist that didn’t thoroughly piss everyone off this semester.

  39. Anonymous

    We can change that. QUICK! Say that diversity isn’t the most important matter!
    …….
    Oh, wait…that’s everyone’s belief on campus anyways.

  40. Anthony

    Best article yet