Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19
You’re going to need to start ducking under things if you let your head get any bigger.
Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20
It’s not paranoia if they really are after you.
Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20
Posting embarrassing pictures of other people sure is fun, but remember that karma is even more fun.
Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22
An enlightening experience with massive amounts of malt liquor will get you very in touch with your inner cat and meowing abilities.
Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 22
Nothing makes a traffic jam more stressful than a giant knight lancing your car.
Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22
Go out with a bang. If it looks enough, it looks good enough.
Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22
The best way to get ahead is to give it up.
Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21
Your secret admirer thinks you look really cool this week. Especially from the camera on her cell phone.
Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21
Always be true to yourself: Just come out and have a good time.
Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19
Everything you touch turns to gold. Might want to avoid touching the showerhead, unless you’re into that sort of thing.
Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18
Figure out if you’re insecure about your giant nose because it’s big, or if it’s big because you’re insecure.
Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar 20
When the stars told you to get on your knees and grovel, they didn’t also tell you to throw up all over my shoes.