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The Blue & Gray Press | August 21, 2018

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Words of Wisdom From the Bullet

Words of Wisdom From the Bullet

Dear President Hurley,

The editors of the Bullet wish to offer our sincerest congratulations to you on your formal inauguration as the ninth president of the University of Mary Washington. We look forward to working closely with you throughout your tenure as president and we are excited for what the future may hold.

Throughout your presidency, there will be times where you will not like certain stories we print. However, we assure you that we will make every effort to cover any unfolding events objectively, and stand behind those stories by reporting only verified facts.

Since the Bullet has survived every UMW president since 1922, we believe that we are in a position to offer you a few suggestions on how to be a successful president:

• Never attempt to rename the university. Or college as the case may be.

• Use extreme caution when conducting the annual test of the blue-light system.

• Never attempt satire—ever. We can tell you from experience that most people here won’t appreciate it.

• Don’t ever spend $28,000 on bookshelves for Brompton. This tends to be frowned upon.

• Avoid doing anything that will get a keg crawl named after you. This means saving the Robitussin for when you are sick and not leading the Fredericksburg police on an inebriated low-speed chase back to Brompton.

• Make sure that the Bullet is your first call whenever you actually decide to demolish Seaco. Additionally, if we get impatient and decide to demolish Seaco on our own, please don’t make us cry. We appreciate a good sense of humor.

• We find that only the best presidents leave their door unlocked so students can have intercourse on the desk.

• Never attempt to install a tunnel from Brompton to your office in George Washington Hall. That’s just lazy.

• Two words: Pancake Breakfasts.

Our senior members of The Bullet have seen a few presidents come and go already, and even though we have an office pool betting on how long you’ll last, know that we are sincere when we say we wish you the best of luck as President of UMW. Luckily, the bar hasn’t been set very high, so it shouldn’t be too hard to do better than the previous two.

Best of luck,
The Editors of the UMW Bullet

Comments

  1. Cassandra

    A+ on this one, guys!

  2. Aww, c’mon guys! You know I love me some satire about ogling at women!