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The Blue & Gray Press | October 24, 2017

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Lorax comes to UMW as trees fall victim to web of hammocks

Lorax comes to UMW as trees fall victim to web of hammocks

By CHRIS MARKHAM

As a result of the eno takeover of 2016, the University of Mary Washington has officially run out of hammock-less trees. The news comes, ironically, after the university was named a 2015 Tree Campus by the Arbor Day Foundation.

The takeover started the day after Spring Break, when students had a chance to go home and beg their parents to get them their own eno so they could fit in with their “hipster” friends.

The pastime grew in popularity as people saw students doing the exact same thing they do on the ground, text friends, send snapchats, listen to music. However, what appeals to the eno-ers is the change of perspective.

“Yeah, what I do in my eno I can do anywhere else, but since I’m doing it in a tree it makes me look cool and outdoorsy,” said junior communications major Mikey Barnes. “Nobody actually likes nature; we all just pretend to show off for girls.”

Students have created a network system among the trees using their enos. Students have been reported as having traveled from one class to another using just enos. They stretch up to the tops of some trees, stacking above one another resembling an accordion.

Now that every tree on campus has been claimed by an eno, students have resorted to strapping their enos to other objects. Buildings, railings, and even columns have been attempted to be eno-ed on.

Last week, students resorted to enoing in the front yard of Brompton, prompting President Hurley to stick his head out of his bedroom window, shaking his first and yelling “get off my lawn you rotten kids!”

After the last tree was eno-ed, reports were made of a Lorax appearing from the sky. Described by one student as a “younger, tanner looking President Hurley,” this Lorax character reportedly said “I speak on behalf of the trees. You’ve strapped these poor trees down and chained them together like prison inmates. I hope one day you’ll understand the trauma these trees are going through.”

The Lorax then said something that most women on campus were familiar with reading on motivational canvases in their dorm rooms.

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better.” Students are reportedly taking action themselves to prevent further spreading.

“It’s like a cobweb,” said senior English major Emily Hollingsworth. “I wake up in the morning and they’ve grown just outside my window so I spray insect killer on it, but they just keep coming back.”

Until the school takes matters into its own hands, it appears no end is in sight for the eno infestation of 2016.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.