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The Blue & Gray Press | August 21, 2019

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UMW students shocked after discovering Marty Morrison is female

UMW students shocked after discovering Marty Morrison is female


Last week, University of Mary Washington students were hit with Earth-shattering news. For years, it was assumed by students that director of media and public relations Marty Morrison was a male, due to the first name “Marty.” However, word has recently spread that Marty Morrison is, in fact, a woman.

The confusion is understandable on many fronts, according to students. Over 94 percent of those named Marty in the United States are male.

The news comes as shock to the entire UMW community, especially at a time where having strong males in leadership roles is desperately needed. As expected, Yik Yak exploded, word of the news spreading like wildfire. Some Yaks read “I can’t believe I’ve been lied to for so long.

The world just doesn’t make sense anymore” and another saying “What’s nextA? Hurley’s gonna tell us he’s a woman during his commencement address?!”

Some students were less surprised, particularly upperclassmen who are more immersed in school culture.

“I’ve known for a while, but hearing my girlfriends refer to her as a man that they think ‘sounds sexy in the snow emails’ was so funny I didn’t want it to end,” said senior English major Della Hethcox.

Most know Marty Morrison as the person who makes those much anticipated snow delay/cancelation announcements. Many even believe Marty herself makes these decisions. Often referred to as “the snow person,” Marty has recently spoken in classes, which is where the news likely broke.

“She came to our class and my professor introduced her as ‘Marty Morrison’ and the entire class just looked at each other,” said junior communications Mikey Barnes. “We couldn’t tell if it was a sick joke or a cruel reality.”

Going forward, students have said they will be more cautious in the future when assuming someone’s gender, but still expect Marty to cancel school for them when they plead.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.