By ALEX SPENCE
With President Paino’s official inauguration just around the corner, he’s been eager to roll out new ideas for the future of the University of Mary Washington. But with all the excitement that surrounds these new decisions, the Board of Visitors has been pushing one change in particular.
“We’ve noticed recently that UMW has been ranking lower and lower each year when it comes to the number of engagements come graduation,” One board member commented. “In an effort to change that, we are shaking up the freshman seminar housing for the upcoming year.”
Rather than grouping the freshman class together based FSEM courses, they have decided to group potential students based on whom they want to date.
According to the BOV, students aren’t thinking clearly and have been showing interest in academics over matrimony. The new housing assignments look to correct this issue.
When signing up for campus housing, it will be required to fill out a simple 93 page form that will then place you in one of eight categories, a few being “Loners,” “I Voted for Trump” and “You Eat Meat? Ew.” This system will allow for optimal connections to be made.
It is no secret that Lynchburg’s Liberty University leads the pack with undergrad engagements. They eat, breathe and sleep by their motto, “Ring by Spring.”
Junior Ashley Chung recalled an overnight stay at LU with a friend last semester. The experience was so traumatizing that she now refuses to remove her gloves in public for fear that her naked ring finger will solicit negative attention.
“It’s not ideal, but I try to focus on the positives,” Chung said. “Holding hot coffee is no longer an issue.”
As UMW’s public relations team caught wind of the “Ring by Spring” motto, assistant marketing director Erika Spivey got right to work building a new campaign titled, “Diamonds, You Need One.”
In an effort to raise awareness, SAE recently gave a presentation in the Chandler Ballroom on the growing rate of Facebook engagements. The demonstration took a turn for the worse when one senior’s iPhone was confiscated and her Facebook was projected on the big screen.
“As they continued scrolling, more and more engagements popped up from couples far younger than she is,” said a UMW freshman who preferred to remain unnamed. “It was all over when someone shouted, ‘It’s too late for you, get a cat.’”
In the wake of this disastrous presentation, classes scheduled for the following day were canceled so that emotionally unstable students could regain their composure after the Facebook debacle.
Students received a campus-wide email notifying them that Play-Doh and coloring books would be passed out around noon, and Lee Hall room 411 was converted to a cry room, for those who didn’t want to cry about their loneliness alone.
Though our campus is still recuperating, slowly but surely the word “Facebook” is being spoken once more.
The BOV responded, saying, “We could not be more humiliated. Our best bet is to launch our FSEM program next year and pray it’s not a dud.”
This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.