Sat. Aug 15th, 2020

The Blue & Gray Press

The University of Mary Washington Student Newspaper

Raccoon leaders to proceed with costly rebranding initiative

2 min read

The raccoons are thriving, unlike everyone else. (Noah Strobel | The Blue & Gray Press)

by KATE SELTZER

News Editor

After extensive deliberation, the raccoons that have taken over campus have decided to move forward with the $500,000 rebranding effort.

A sizable group of raccoons, which began their inevitable take-over immediately following student and faculty departure, has taken up residence in all dorms, academic buildings and administrative buildings – with the exception of Russell Hall, which was deemed “too disgusting for any man or beast,” according to one raccoon, who ordinarily lives in a dumpster.

Students have been encouraged to stay home, both to stop the spread of the deadly coronavirus and out of fear of the raccoons’ very pointy teeth.

As the raccoons settle in, the question remains: how can they better advertise themselves to potential students who don’t mind one or six new trash panda roommates? The solution was clear. The school must rebrand, no matter the cost.

When asked about the popularity of the initiative, one of the raccoons shrugged its tiny raccoon shoulders.

“We’re more or less indifferent to the wants of the students who pay thousands of dollars to go here, on account of we are raccoons,” it said, munching on an abandoned baja mac n’ cheese.

“Sure, the school might take a $4 or 5 million hit, and yeah, that cool half a million would be real nice right now,” said one raccoon. “Again, we are raccoons, so the concept of global economic collapse has very little bearing on our lives.”

In the meantime, Mindpower, which insists on branding itself as MNDPWR much to everyone’s chagrin, has some exciting new initiatives, according to spokesperson Jhn Smth.

“We’re looking at lots of potential ideas to really put UMW on the map,” Smth said. “For instance, you know the massive fence around Virginia Hall? What if there were more of those? And they were much, much bigger? It’s that kind of creative thinking we hope to implement in making UMW more marketable at the expense of current students’ happiness, and also at the expense of $500,000.”

The raccoons are reportedly on board with any and all solutions, since a more disillusioned student body could potentially prolong their reign.

“It’s a win-win for everyone,” chittered a raccoon. “By which of course, I mean for us, the raccoons.”

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.

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