by ABIGAIL BUCHHOLZ
Over the past few weeks the university has undergone some drastic changes. With the majority of students residing off campus due to the COVID-19 outbreak, the Office of Residence Life and Housing has decided that now would be the most appropriate time to execute any residence hall changes deemed necessary by the programming board. The most drastic changes will include the transformation of Virginia Hall into a massive glass cube, as reported on previously by the renowned umwclickhole Instagram. An additional change that might come as a shock to some students will be the redesign of the historic Ball Hall.
“I knew that they were planning on redesigning some dorms while we were away,” said sophomore business major Henry Wilson. “But I didn’t know that they were planning on redesigning Ball. I also heard that they want to cut down the Russell tree and use it as firewood for the next Big Ash Bonfire.”
The reason behind Ball Hall’s redesign stems from the university’s pristine male to female ratio among students. As of spring 2020 the university brags a 1:9 male to female population. The university is unique in this dramatic ratio, with only the University of Mary Cornwell rivaling it, with a 2:8 male to female ratio.
“I’ve seen maybe three guys on campus since I got here,” said freshman Greta Ann. “That could be because my time on campus was cut short this spring, but I’m pretty involved in things and I still never saw any guys. I thought I saw one one time on campus walk, but it was actually just a dog with a really cool hat.”
With only 78 male students registered to live on campus, this fall the Board of Visitors decided that consolidating this population into its own living learning community would bring about the best productivity across campus. Starting in the fall of 2020 these select students will move into the newly renovated Balls Hall, formally known as Ball Hall.
Sophomore recreation major Corey Lemons is excited for the new sense of camaraderie that Balls Hall will bring to the male population around campus.
“I am so excited to finally get to hang out with my bros,” said Lemons. “My friends and I have big plans for sausage gatherings and meat fests. The kitchens of Balls Hall will never stop pumping out the meats.”
This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.