by KATE SELTZER
Every week, the Blue & Gray publishes a police beat detailing crimes committed on or around campus. Ordinarily, this only appears in the print edition of the paper, but given the circumstances, the News Editors compiled the column for online.
On Saturday, March 28 at 10:33 p.m., there were 46 incidents of marijuana possession in various locations around the state. No administrative referrals were issued.
On Tuesday, March 31 at 1:08 p.m., there were countless instances of underage alcohol possession and intoxication around the state. Whatever. Time is meaningless and the world is ending, so if I want to get drunk in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday that’s MY BUSINESS.
On Monday, March 30, between 12:14 p.m. and 2:18 p.m., several items of furniture and six fruits were stolen from an Animal Crossing island. This case is pending.
On Friday, March 27 at 9:06 a.m., my motivation to do anything at all was stolen. This case is pending.
On Thursday, March 19, all of the trees on campus were stolen.
This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.