BY RYAN MARR
Lets just say, purely for the sake of this article, that last weekend you may have had a few too many drinks, and shamelessly hit on everything with a pulse. With the razor-sharp judgment of Stephen Hawking, you led some poor girl back to your dorm room where you played Scrabble and discussed our current economic situation into the wee hours of the morning.
And now, a week later, she’s still calling you and wants to hang out. No need to worry about staining your conscience by ignoring the phone, I’ve prepared a list of quality flicks to watch with any girl on a first date to guarantee there won’t be a second.
1. Total Recall-
I actually just had the pleasure of watching the trailer for this movie in my film studies class. After watching Arnold mow down about 30 goons and blow up half the Martian landscape, the professor asked the class to identify the demographic at which the trailer was aimed. To which some guy sitting a few seats over earnestly replied, “Don’t girls like Arnold Schwarzenegger?” Yep, I’ve heard they also really dig professional wrestling, chewing tobacco, and sawing down large trees in flannel shirts.
2. No Country for Old Men-
If she hasn’t already walked out on you by the end of the movie, she will by the time you’ve finished your hour-long monologue on the meaning behind the film’s ambiguous ending and how it symbolizes the pain and suffering of being a man.
3. Any of The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (must be the extended edition director’s cut)-
I don’t know anyone, regardless of their gender, who can make it through this 6-hour marathon of talking trees, sarcastic dwarves, and schizophrenic goblins. A word of caution: there is the rare chance your date might have been that one girl in high school who was fluent in Elvish- in which case, I apologize in advance.
4. American Psycho-
She may initially be excited to learn that a young Christian Bale stars, but don’t worry- once he’s brutally raped and murdered several women on their first dates, her interest will quickly wane.
5. The New Guy-
Undoubtedly, the stupidest movie ever made. Your date will immediately realize that you have the IQ of a potato and are clearly not boyfriend material. If by some miracle she likes this movie, you may want to consider transferring colleges.