BY KJ ADLER
Author’s Note: Ever since I became the “Sexclamations” columnist I have tried and failed many times to describe the amazingness of the merkin, or pubic wig.
Merkin has even become one of my favorite words and as an English major that’s a pretty big deal.
A merkin is one of the funniest and most bizzare sexual accessories I have come across and enjoy using the word as often as possible.
So rather than fail at attempting another Merkin article, I have decided that the best way to breach the very concept of a pubic wig is through a fake advertisement.
I hope you enjoy it and now understand the mighty power that the merkin holds for all:
Are you a prostitute from the 1600’s? Do you have uninvited guests down below that you just can’t seem to shake off? Contracted syphilis and don’t want your clientele to know about it? Well look no further! Come on down to Marvelous Melvin’s Magic Merkin Shoppe where all of your pubic-based needs can be met!
At tri-M’s Merkin Shoppe we provide a various number of models from all-natural to tie-dye to heart shaped, cat shaped, and even padlock-shaped works.
Are you an actor whose contract stipulates that you have to do a full-frontal scene in your next film but you just don’t have it in you to go that extra mile? Well tri-M’s Merkin Shoppe has some of the most natural-looking pubic wigs money can buy and we just know that we have the right one for you!
Ranging from nylon, human hair and yak belly, that’s right yak belly, every fiber of our merkins are carefully woken into a transparent mesh, providing both comfort and believability for the viewers in question. All you have to do is place the merkin on your respective vulva or scrotum and away you go. Your audiences will never know the difference between your merkin and the real thing!
Into kink? Then look no further! Our merkins are the best sexual wig-based accessories money can buy. For the exhibitionist in all of us, what better way to say “Hey! I’m kind of naked and am not afraid to flaunt it with my crazy style in pubic hair!” than with a tri-M’s pink and blue floral merkin print on sale now for the low, low price of $300!
And of course our Shoppe caters to any of you daring young men out there. Tri M’s Merkin Shoppe has a number of fine male and female designs that will put you right with your sexual identity! We have the latest styles in drag queen pieces that will leave your audiences scratching their heads, wondering why that lady had such big muscles.
First time merkin user? No Problem. With every purchase at tri-M’s Merkin Shoppe you not only receive a free fitting to understand your genital dimensions for future purchases but you also receive a complimentary instructional pamphlet with step by step diagrams to help you with the painless merkin application and removal process. You are also offered the choice of applying the merkin to your pre-shaved pubic area with spirit gum or can simply attach it to a transparent g-string.
Now you may be thinking to yourself “Merkins just aren’t for me,” but how wrong you are! Today, everyone is wearing them, whether at home, in a show or at the club scene, merkins are taking the world by storm! Today clubs everywhere have formed their own look with pubic wigs being worn under short baby doll dresses in mainstream nightclubs, as well as being worn in private and fetish parties.
So what are you waiting for? Come on down to Marvelous Melvin’s Magic Merkin Shoppe today! We have everything and more that you can possibly need with no-judgment policy and follow by our motto “Merkins aren’t just for prostitutes any more!”