Listen. I know you think you’re good at video games.
Yeah, you talk a big game in “Call of Duty” and used to embarrass your old high school buddies, Stokes and Treebeard, at “Super Smash Bros.” back in the day, but you’re in the Big Leagues now, kid. Welcome to the Show.
This is the Video Game Olympics, where boys become men and women send sexists home crying for their mamas.
The VGO makes its triumphant return this Saturday, after a one-year hiatus, ready to award the most worthy gamer (most likely: me) with a $100 GameStop gift certificate.
But don’t worry, you all can fight over the $50 and $25 gift certificates for second and third place. If you think you’ve got the stones to go toe to toe with the likes of me, a narcissistic, self-proclaimed “Renaissance Man,” you’d better practice up.
Sure, you had Stokes and Treebeard begging you for mercy in “Smash,” but now you’re going up against the big dog. I’ll be representing my boy, Link. No, he can’t jump worth a damn, but he won’t need to. Believe it.
The king of the modern first-person shooter, “Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare” will be there to test your twitch reflexes and prove who’s the most patriotic in the room. Just remember: The “Martyrdom” perk is for cowards.
As for the “Halo: Reach” event, I hope you’re fluent in the art of “armor locking,” because I sure am. Prepare to get spanked if you try to splatter me in a vehicle. Go ahead. Try it.
I may know almost nothing about actual basketball, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still going to demolish you at “NBA JAM.” Don’t be a sore loser when I break your backboard, please.
You probably used to play “Guitar Hero II” every once in awhile at a friend’s house, but I was rocking out in my underwear till the sun came up every morning.
And if I wasn’t making beautiful music, I was dancing to it. That’s right, you’ll need to step to the beat in “Dance Dance Revolution” to beat the Lord of the Dance here.
If you’re ready to dodge a barrage of multicolored shells and lightning bolts, “Mario Kart: Double Dash” might be the event for you.
And if not, the fan-favorite classic time-killer, “Tetris,” rounds out the list.
There’s something for everyone, but the competition is going to be stiff, so come prepared.