Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19
Try not to look surprised when you look in the mirror this week. Yes, you are that good-looking.
Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20
Do something nice for someone this week. Leave them alone.
Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20
Laughter is the best medicine. Besides alcohol.
Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22
Remember: “We need to talk” really means, “We need to stop talking. Forever.”
Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 22
If you have to justify past actions, remember that it’s not cheating if they’re twins.
Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22
There’s a fine line between bold and creepy: whether or not you’re attractive. Keep that in mind.
Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22
Think about shaving that mustache this week unless you’re going for the pedophile look.
Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21
You may come into some money if you’re willing to get your knees dirty.
Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21
People can lie to you, but mirrors can’t. Those jeans definitely make your butt look big.
Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19
It’s important for you to cover your tracks; remember that web browsers have private modes.
Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18
The more you ask, the less you’ll get. Unless you’re asking for herpes.
Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar 20
Things might be getting stale; try something new this week. Body-punishing sex, perhaps?