Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19
If respect is what you want, try wearing something else.
Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20
You’ll finally meet your soul-mate this week as long as you’re comfortable with inter-species romance.
Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20
You’re so egotistical that you probably think this horoscope is about you. I’m co-captain.
Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22
If you haven’t thought about Carrot Top in a while, now’s a good day to start.
Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 22
Keep it up. You’re doing a great job, as long as you don’t want great results.
Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22
“Thank God I’m blind.” That’s what I tell myself whenever I wake up next to you.
Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22
You’re going to see a gorilla chasing a giant banana soon. Oh, that already happened? The stars are a little behind this week.
Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21
Next week shoot for a little less “business” and a lot more “drunk.”
Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21
The stars are tired of your Bill Clinton impression. They aren’t the only ones.
Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19
There’s a traumatic shower experience in your future. On the bright side, no one wants to see you naked anyway.
Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18
This is going to be a boring week, so head to the playground if you’re looking to spice things up.
Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar 20
Not everyone can be a brain, Pinky.