By ETHAN TOBIN
On Oct 24, 2014, the University of Mary Washington published an article announcing that the varsity athletic department would be introducing a men’s golf program coming in the fall of 2016, an initiative Athletic Director Ken Tyler fully advocated.
The announcement asserted that Rod Wood, director of athletics facilities and former coach of the men’s basketball team would take the reigns as head coach. However, speculations regarding Tyler’s intentions to bring on a new program have now been brought into the light.
In his opening speech at the annual athletic department spring banquet, Tyler spilled the beans as to his actual intentions of bringing in a new sports program to the school this coming fall.
Using the department’s $400 million, Tyler announced that Quidditch would be promoted to a varsity sport in the fall. In addition to being UMW’s first co-ed varsity sport, it will be the first to compete on the Division I level.
Tyler cited the team’s relentless nature as part of the reason he wanted them to reach varsity status. His admiration of their long practices on Jefferson Square and the team’s potential to bring in millions of dollars of revenue were just some of the reasons for the addition.
Wood, who will take over as head coach, says he has never played himself, but the avid Harry Potter fan is confident in his ability to understand the rules.
Wood’s hiring was the result of a bold coach-selection strategy; after Tyler pulled Wood’s name out of a hat. The hat reportedly also had the names of assistant athletic director Dana Hall, athletic trainer Lauren Wise and director of athletic development Philip Pierce.
According to Tyler, Wood will receive a salary of $2.5 million dollars in his first year as head coach.
Tyler said that the Quidditch team will assume control of the newly renovated field on Hanover Street, much to the dismay of the rugby teams.
Over the past several months, Tyler and Wood have carefully recruited players from across the nation to join the new program. The incoming freshmen class this fall will consist of two seekers, three beaters, two chasers and one high school All-American keeper.
Tyler’s announcement of the addition left many in attendance both excited and confused as his repeated use of the phrase “Rise Up” while pounding his podium sent shockwaves of mixed emotions through the audience.
“At first I thought it was a joke, but he kept doing it with a straight face so I started feeling concerned,” said sophomore Alex Sakes.
This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.