By D.G. HETHCOX
If you have been on campus at all during the last three years, you have no doubt heard of or seen Mikey Barnes, either in the flesh or virtually. He’s everywhere: posters, events, commercials, and heck, sometimes he even shows up to your classes.
What’s extraordinary about Mikey is his ability to make an entire campus fall under what has come to be called the “Mikey Barnes Effect.” Basically, he’s like the little brother you wish would leave you alone but you also care about and really hope he isn’t doing something stupid like eating his cereal with beer or accidentally falling out a window while wearing his beloved Olaf onesie.
If you are unclear on who or what Mikey is, let me help. He is involved in nearly every school spirited event on campus. From sports games to the future High Five Hurley world record attempt to random events in Dodd Auditorium, you can find Mikey clutching a microphone making jokes about his mom and his lack of a girlfriend (although his Instagram and Twitter accounts suggest otherwise).
Last year, Mikey somehow convinced the student body to help crown him Mr. UMW, which he refers to as the “Miss Universe of the University of Mary Washington.” Oddly enough, however, Mikey did not insist on wearing his crown and sash to classes, it was reported that they clashed with his Vineyard Vines t-shirt and his Sperry boat shoes. (No, he does not own a boat. Maybe if he sold his bowtie collection he could afford a small canoe. You gotta start somewhere.)
If you’ve been lucky enough to take a class with Mikey, you know that he’s the one student who can show up late nearly every day of the semester and not feel ashamed. Mikey knows no shame and if you’ve seen him outside of class at parties, you know this well. Especially since he’s an adult male who owns five onesies and looks for opportunities to wear them, and if he can’t find the opportunity, he makes his own.
The Mikey Barnes Effect presents itself in different ways, but if you are suffering from mild irritation to acceptance about Mikey perpetually mischievous ways, you might want to see a doctor. There’s no cure, but they can give you something to help alleviate your symptoms.
This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.