By EMILY HOLLINGSWORTH
The University of Mary Washington announced in an email yesterday that it will be changing Ball Circle’s name due to growing concern that possible innuendos from the name are ruining UMW’s wholesome image.
“Our students are curious, passionate and super smart,” the email read. “We are worried that these increasing attitudes toward the Ball Circle name are overshadowing its accomplishments.” In other words, the university wants great minds, not dirty ones.
The field that connects to the University Center and several residence halls has certainly had its share of phallic-related allusions over the years. Students have been heard telling each other to meet at “Ball Sack” or “Ball Circle Jerk.” During blizzards, students have also drawn magnificent penises on the field. A few voices, like a ghostly presence floating over the circle, occasionally shout “You all need Jesus!”
Ball, believed to have been named after the mother of George Washington, Mary Ball Washington, may steadily be losing its prestige and, according to the University, be shafting UMW’s reputation.
Students, in between laughs, offered their perspectives on the name change. “I’ve heard of buildings being erected to look like penises…see what I did there?” Sarah Grammer, English and biology double major, said. “But not a field.”
Ethan Tobin, junior history major, had a similar sentiment of the name, also mentioning that the title of one of the residence halls elicits similar innuendos to the female anatomy.
“I was always a little confused why it was called Ball Circle, especially since it’s a field,” Tobin said. “It should be called Bush Circle.”
A few options for the name change are under consideration. The frontrunner, according to the university, is “PC Circle” to ensure everyone on campus has a safe place free of judgement and filled with political correctness.
This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.