By CHRIS MARKHAM
An open letter to the open letter
Dear open letter,
I was thinking of the most passive aggressive way to address my feelings for you, and decided that an open letter was the most appropriate thing for a millennial such as myself to do.
I don’t know what has gotten into you lately. Maybe it’s been your tortuous affair with Buzzfeed and The Odyssey, but you seem to be all over the place recently. I can’t decide what you are anymore.
Are you real journalism? Are you a rant? Are you satire that too many people took seriously?
Whatever you are, I hope you change your ways soon. I appreciate where you are coming from by trying to make your writing more personalized, but at what point can we say we’ve had enough? I recently saw you wrote an open letter to people who put ketchup on top of their fries
instead of on the side. This level of passive aggressiveness is not healthy and I’m happy to help you if you need someone to talk to.
I don’t like how everyone can read our conversations. Why does this have to be open? What happened to traditional letters? At least DM me on Instagram or something. Anything is better than this. You used to be a fun form of writing, but your status quickly went from “journalism” into the realm of “fake news” or “alternative facts.”
Look at me, rambling again. I guess you’re used to my rambling by now, since that’s all you seem to be these days. I guess I’ll let you go now. I’ve taken up enough of your time and whatever other poor souls have spent this much time reading this. I hope to hear back from you soon and see much, much less of you in the future.
Everyone on planet Earth
This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.