By HARRY FISHER
As we all know, the last five years’ worth of Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) films have been complete garbage, especially the travesty that was “Avengers: Infinity War.” The movie had a ton of action scenes that could have made it a great film, but it focused way too much on pointless and stupid things like tension, world-building and character interaction. I’m not kidding, there are literally entire scenes where the characters stop fighting so they can do things like talk to each other. Who wants to see that in a superhero film?
Then there are all the movie’s ridiculous plot holes, like how Iron Man has a suit made of nanomachines, a technology that clearly doesn’t exist in real life. That scene completely ruined my immersion in this movie that’s supposed to be about a purple man who kills half the universe by snapping his fingers. Nanomachines? Really?
Because of this, I was very worried about “Avengers: Endgame,” the sequel to “Infinity War” which was released April 1. However, after seeing the movie at its premiere, I can confidently say that “Endgame” is by far the greatest Marvel movie and definitely the greatest film ever made.
The film begins with Iron Man and Nebula stranded in space, just like we saw them in the trailer. Suddenly, their ship bumps into the Queen Alien from “Aliens,” who is still floating around in space after getting sucked out of the Sulaco’s airlock at the end of that film. Fans of “Infinity War” will recall that this epic confrontation was foreshadowed when Spider-Man made his reference to “Aliens” in the middle of the movie. Eventually, the Queen gives the ship a good hard smack with her tail, setting it back on course to Earth. However, the Queen’s tail gets snagged on the side of the ship, causing her to get pulled along for the ride.
They arrive back on Earth, where the other Avengers are preparing for an all-out attack on Thanos. Ant-Man has gathered an army of monsters, giant robots and other characters from other franchises, and together, they plan to pull a sick prank on Thanos as payback for murdering all their friends. Tony, Nebula and the Alien Queen decide to tag along, and together, all the Avengers prepare for their final attack on Muscular Grimace.
We then cut to Thanos’s farm, where he’s planting some Thanos Carrots right next to his Thanos Potatoes, when suddenly the Avengers show up and bombard his Thanos House with toilet paper with the Avengers theme blaring at max volume. They then charge into battle against an enraged Thanos.
Half of the main characters are wiped out by the Power Stone before they can even reach Thanos. The Power Rangers are mind-controlled by the Mind Stone and forced to fight Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse. Thanos uses the Time Stone to turn the T-rex from “Jurassic Park” into a fossil. He uses the Space Stone to teleport the Terminator into a vat of molten metal, where he slowly melts while giving a thumbs up. He uses the Soul Stone to turn the Blue Eyes White Dragons to his side before using the Reality Stone to fuse them together into Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon, which engages in battle with Godzilla.
Meanwhile, Thanos hops into his Thanos car and cranks “Deja Vu” while chasing around Homer Simpson, and he unleashes his Thanos Dinosaur, Barney. While he’s distracted,Captain Marvel sneaks into his Thanos house and steals some Thanos Cheese from his Thanos fridge.
The Power Rangers form the Megazord, but Godzilla gives it a light shove, causing it to trip over Jaws as he flops around on the hot, dry ground, and collapse onto the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon, knocking him out instantly. King Kong snaps Barney’s jaw in half. Meanwhile, while Thanos is busy gloating, Ant-Man shrinks to ant size, gets swallowed, and grows to his giant size to instantly blow up Thanos from the inside. Venom then eats his Thanos Brain.
With the battle over, Iron Man takes the Infinity Gauntlet and uses its power to resurrect all the characters who died. The Avengers theme plays one last time, and everything is completely perfect and happy, with absolutely no significant changes made to the overall universe- exactly how it should be, with no boring character development impeding the action. This film is the single greatest work of art mankind has ever produced, barnone.
As if this wasn’t enough, the next six post-credit scenes showed Godzilla stealing the Infinity Gauntlet and using it to erase the MCU from existence, so his new film will have no competition when it comes out in May. The only Avenger who escapes Godzilla’s decimation is Spider-Man, who is able to transform into Spooder-Man and hide in the internet in the nick of time. This can only mean one thing- when “Godzilla: King of the Monsters” comes out in May, Spooder-Man will try to take back the Gauntlet from Godzilla and save his friends. This will no doubt be an important plot point in “Spider-Man: Far From Home” as well. Despite how amazing this movie was, the most epic showdown of all time is yet to come…
This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.