By GINNY BIXBY
UMW has been given the prestigious honor of being declared a mold-free campus by the National Collegiate Association for Health and Safety. This award acknowledges the school’s recent strides to keep residence halls completely devoid of fungus.
President Troy Paino accepted the honor along with representatives from the Office of Residence Life and Housing.
“I am proud of ResLife for their strides to decrease mold related complaints,” said Paino. “ResLife always works so hard to eradicate mold. They are so efficient and really do care about the health of students.”
All Resident Assistants were unavailable for comment due to fear of retribution from the Office of Residence Life.
As part of the award, the University received a one million dollar grant designated for the construction of residence halls, all of which will be required to be wheelchair inaccessible and not in compliance with Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA).
Students agreed that UMW does not, nor has it ever, had a mold problem.
“UMW Residence Life …[redacted] does not …[redacted] have …[redacted] mold,” said sophomore political science and communication major Kate Seltzer.
Arrington Hall received a special seal of distinction for never having a single mold related work order filed in its 26 year existence. This is an honor rarely endowed by the organization.
“When I lived in Arrington, I …[redacted] was …[redacted] happy and healthy,” said junior English and communications major Meaghan McIntyre.
However, not all students were so thrilled about the honor, or the
University’s recent actions to eliminate mold from all buildings.
“I kind of liked the mold,” said Lucas Burkholder, junior political science major. “I will miss it. I liked the imminent threat of death and permanent lung damage.”
“Mold is embedded within the UMW culture and there should be mold set up in freshman dorms,” said junior history and education major Jack Hagn.
“Small amounts, but enough to bring the freshmen closer together in a shared community.”
“Back where I’m from, we don’t even have internet. A little mold never killed anybody. Rub some dirt on it and keep on walking,” said Dinwiddie County native Grace Winfield, junior communication and digital studies major.
The University’s former nickname, the “University of Moldy Walls”, will now prove obsolete.
“I feel like UMW students are going to lose out on living on the edge now that the University is taking mold so seriously,” said Burkholder. “I feel bad for the students who are going to miss out on a key part of the Mary Wash experience.”
“Mold is as quintessentially UMW as Devil Goat Day,” said Hagn. “I hope the University will return to its pro-mold stance. They are just doing this for the money, as always, rather than the well-being of the students.”
This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.