By JOSEPHINE JOHNSON
Sammy D. Eagle and the Simpson Library Owl ended their years-long enemies-to-lovers trope by marrying under the new bistro lights on Ball Circle.
The university budgeted $50,000 for the wedding. There was a buffet of all kinds of mice, which was catered by Sodexo. All students and staff were invited regardless of MMDC restrictions. President Troy Paino officiated the wedding, crying tears of joy.
However, other students were not amused.
“I hope that their marriage marks the end of our school’s fake activism,” says sophomore communication and digital studies and sociology major Jess Kirby. “Instead of making changes that ensure transgender students correct names will be used, UMW gave pronouns to their birds.”
“I just worry about their disagreements, Ref Desk Owl is always seen wearing his mask and face shield but Sammy has never been seen with a mask,” said sophomore English major Abigail Weber.
“Sammy D. and Ref Desk Owl’s union is the single most important thing to happen on campus. My classes were canceled for the wedding,” said senior political science and communication major Kate Seltzer. “What a way to finish out my time at UMW.”
This story is a part of our April’s Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.