The Blue & Gray Press

The University of Mary Washington Student Newspaper

White man spontaneously combusts when asked by student to wear a mask on campus

2 min read

Although The Grey & Blue Press was not allowed access, student Patrick Brown recreated the crime scene, pre-combustion. | Jess Kirby, The Grey & Blue Press

By JESS KIRBY

News Editor

On the afternoon of March 29, an unidentified white man was jogging maskless on campus. He passed by many signs signifying the campus mask mandate, but it wasn’t until a student confronted him on his maskless state that he finally responded. After the altercation, the maskless man fell to the ground and spontaneously combusted. 

“I was on the way to my Chinese class when I saw him,” said sophomore communication and digital studies major Josephine Johnson, the student that confronted the maskless man. “All I said was, ‘Excuse me, you need to wear a mask on campus.’ He started turning red and I could tell he was trying to think of something sexist to say back to me, but then he just collapsed.”

When UMW PD arrived, there was nothing left of the man but his white tennis shoes, athletic shorts and blue lives matter t-shirt. UMW Police Chief Michael Hall cautioned students not to approach men like Johnson did.

“This student’s attempt to make campus safer, while I believe her heart was in the right place, should’ve been left up to the professionals,” said Hall. “If we had asked the man politely to put on a mask and provided him with one, he might still be alive. We want to send the message that, ‘Hey, you may have to wear a mask on our campus, but that doesn’t mean you’re not welcome here, it just means you have to follow the protocols in place.’ I’d even settle for below the nose.”

Sophomore English major Abigail Weber witnessed the altercation.

“I don’t get anti-maskers,” said Weber. “Look, best case scenario you’re right and you made the tremendous sacrifice of putting some cloth on your face for a few months. Worst case scenario you kill someone’s meemaw. The risks don’t really line up.”

Johnson does not believe her actions caused the man’s death.

“Well I certainly didn’t mean to kill the man, I think his masculinity was just that fragile. Maybe he should try a neck gaiter next time,” she said.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.

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